Friday, 14 March 2014

Balance

Life is a gift and one I am truly grateful for. Each day my understanding of gratitude changes and improves, I have learnt, through meditation over the years that gratitude is something we can feel, touch, taste, hear, something that awakens the most intimate parts of our bodies and minds, but it is something we so seldom sit and really embrace
 
 
 
The last few months have been somewhat of an interesting journey for me, one that has brought many questions to the forefront of my mind and one that has left me a little unsettled as I confirm yet again that I am still an all or nothing kinda gal, one who dives in the deep end and shriek with joy as I approach the biggest waves, one that loves the thrill of fear, the buzz you get from looking for your next gear placement whilst half way up a mountain, one that thrives on the excitement of getting my wheel just in the right place on a thread bare downhill single track. My association with life is to live to the fullest, with a glass always half full, so when I embarked on yet another journey to wellness in January, I dived in with all fours with new excitement and hope that this journey would be the one that will finally bring me closer to improved health and finding the essence is of my existence.
 
You see life is a little like balancing spinning plates and one that requires skill and precision. Over the last couple of months I have worked closely on learning this skill and building on my existing knowledge and if I am honest it has been a struggle. Often it feels like this work-life balance is an illusion, one that despite our best attempts we can only maintain the perfect balance with our pretty plates spinning at the right time and right place for a certain time before we realise that we are missing something, balance and the inevitable chaos that comes with being human.
 
Right now I am standing at the edge of reason, as I face the next phase. You see I have faced three months of sheer dedication and focus on my health during the day with a dedicated morning to healing, rest after lunch and spend my time as a good mum in the afternoon, wife in the evening, before I pamper my tender loins for a good nights rest, and injecting any spare time I have into research. Don't get me wrong I am loving my new routine, it is a pleasure, I rise get my kids to school, come home do some gentle yoga followed by a long meditation, prepare my lunch and do the must-do jobs and read up about foods, go to bed, rest, get up and so on. My soul feels calm, grounded, nourished and loved and for the first time in my life I feel pretty happy in my skin, happy with who I am, grateful for my being and excited about my future.
 
One slight problem is that some pretty plates have fallen by the wayside, I miss my sewing machine, my crochet hooks, my embroidery floss and most of all feeling balanced in the sense that only works for me. There are no right answers, there are no gimmicks, this is life at the core, in the deep end, but I can swim and I want to and somehow I know with time I will find my balance.
 
For now, I feel a little torn, like I am leading a double life. You see, I made the decision earlier this year that I would really inject every ounce of my being into my recovery and for me the best way I could see this happen is through doing what I am doing now, but also to finally start a blog where I could write about my journey to recovery. Over two years ago, from my bed, I made a feeble attempt at starting and ME blog, nothing about it felt right, but now I am geared up and ready. My focus will  predominantly be around food and as a result I have started a new Instagram account called Scrummytritious, the name I hope to use for my new blog when I get around to it. It feels a little strange to be living two sides of your life, but it works for me.

Cosmos and Cotton has been my savour during a time when I needed to reconnect with the world and re-engage my brain. You see four walls can get pretty lonely at times and this little space has given me light, love and hope, but above all a place where I can express the creative side of me and talk about family and gardening. My need to be creative has always been there, since I was a little girl and I love that Cosmos and Cotton has become a little platform for me where I can feel inspired by like minded souls. This little space was never really intended for ME, but its my life and ME is such a BIG part of it, I couldn't keep it separate. Now however I feel ready to do a little more, be a little more focussed and I honestly don't want to start incorporating my weekly journey with M.E here, so I feel it best to shift the gears in a different direction. This comes at a strange time, especially seeing that the very lovely and dear friend Clare have recently nominated me for this rather special award for promoting ME awareness, which I will share with you soon.

 
For now though, things may be a little quiet here, but that is just because I keep dropping these plates and I am learning how to balance everything without loosing the essence of what I am setting out to achieve. You see like those spinning plates we can try our best with everything at once, but generally it only lasts a few days, weeks, months or years before something happens to disrupt it. I want to find a lifestyle that I can keep, one that will see me through the rest of my days even when I am well again and this will take some time to figure out.
 
I know this is a really long post and one with very few photos, it just goes to show it can be done. It can be so powerful to put your thoughts on paper and really appreciate the enormity of what you are trying to achieve in life. I am missing you all and you are never far from my thoughts and I am hopeful that one day soon I will find the perfect equilibrium, for now though Namaste.
 
 
 
Warm Wishes
Hannapat
xoxo
 

25 comments:

  1. As always, dear Hannapat, I am wishing you the very best and hope you will soon find and be able to maintain your balance - your words are very wise and convince me you are heading in the right direction for you, and that's what's important!
    Much love coming your way, Joy xoxo

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  2. I really hope you find something that really helps, it's so hard but I'm sure you'll get there, I'm look forward to following you're ME blog. I've been doing lots of research lately too and I'm trialing some new things, so we'll have to compare notes, thanks for the email I'll reply soon, I'm doing some major resting up after a trip to the 02 yesterday so it might be in a few days. Really hope you find the right answers and balance.
    Clare xxx

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  3. Namaste Hannapat. I have been doing yoga once a week and even with that i can feel a difference. More stillness around me. So important to stay grounded in the spring energy I think. It's so true about the plates. We keep re-adjusting. It's all there for us in good time. Stay well, Heather x

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  4. I wish you all the best as you seek your balance. I know that you will find the right way for yourself, your health and spiritual needs and the needs of your family. Stay well and take care of yourself, Hannapat.

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  5. Oh, balance! This really is such a hard thing to find isn't it. The things we want to do, the things we need to do, the things we should do and the things we think that we should do because we think that others think we should do them! If you do find the answer to this you will be a multi millionaire when you publish the answer!! I hope though in all sincerity that you do manage to find a path that suits YOU. Your blog will be fine whether you write or not, whether it is about crafting, food, balance or something totally different - car mechanics??? The most important person is YOU and what YOU need to do, your readers will support you, because that is what we do! It sounds as though your balance plan is working somewhat and you are finding some peace, so I hope that this is indeed the case and that it continues and progresses so that you can get to the place that you would like to be and remain there and be happy with what you find. Take care. Love Amy xx

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  7. Best wishes on your journey to find balance in your life. I too keep trying. There are never enough hours as most of us learn when we embark on a healing journey. Somehow we do still need to try to keep working toward finding a happy medium. I look forward to reading you whatever you happen to write about at any time on your blog. Hugs. xx

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  8. I'm so impressed with all of the work you have put into looking after yourself. I know what you mean about trying to find a balance, it is a tricky thing to do, even with full health. I have every confidence that you will find yourself a routine that works for you. I hope you have a restful weekend, and I'm wishing you much success with your healthcare. CJ xx

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  10. Hang in there Hannapat, and keep focusing on your goal for health. I'm sure you'll reach that balance eventually, it just might not be as quickly as you'd once hoped. I have to say I really admire your dedication with your diet and the way you've wholeheartedly put your needs first. Go you! Take care lovely. xx

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  11. Bless your heart, you need to take the time to heal, and for your health and family. We are always here for you when you want to pop in, visit for a bit or take some time for yourself. You are an inspiration and I wish you all the blessings you deserve.
    Hugs to you,
    Meredith

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  12. This was a very heartfelt post Hannapat and I do think it is difficult to achieve a balance in life for anyone but it sounds to me that you know where you want to be. I think you do need time for yourself and are taking steps in the right direction on your road to recovery. Be kind to yourself.Take care XX

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  13. What a wonderful and honest post Hannapat, you sound so focused and positive and I admire your discipline and determination enormously.
    I know you will find the right balance as you are so wholehearted about achieving it, and I wish you lots of luck in your journey to get to that place where you feel right.
    Gill xx

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  14. Do whatever you need to get yourself well. I'm sure you're right that the balance in life is only an illusion, but feel sure you are on the right path now!

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  15. I am wishing you all the success on your journey seeking the right balance. Take care of your health!

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  16. You sound like an amazing person, Hannapat. There is so much determination and resolve in your words AND creativity. I cannot imagine you NOT achieving your goals.

    Warmest wishes,

    Stephanie

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  17. Dearest Hannapat ..... you are such an inspiration x
    You must follow your heart, gosh balance is a tricky thing, I hope you find yours.
    Take care
    love Jooles x x x

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  18. Hey Hannapat,
    You write so beautifully and your comittment to a path of balance is an inspiration, as is your positivity. I hope that this path will lead to future good health. You must follow the path that is best for you. Your blog will always be here. And so will we.
    Take care Hannapat,

    Leanne xx
    log

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  19. What a beautifully honest post. I agree that real balance is a very tricky thing to find. Wishing you well and hope you have a great rest of the week and find the balance you are looking for.
    Marianne x

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  20. You have done such a great job looking after your own health. That's great and so so important! Hope you find your balance soon. I'm constantly juggling myself.

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  21. Now you know I know all about the dratted ME/CFS/FMS thingymabob, with RA to boot in my case. And I think you may have worked out that I keep the plates spinning here because a) I have super supportive people around me and b) I often carry on regardless of the need to stop. You are an inspiration as you are clearly less well than I am and yet manage so much. So I will be following with interest wherever you take your insights and your crafty prowess. Have a virtual hug m'dear, Annie x

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  22. Dear Hannapat I echo everything that has already been said here......i so admire how you have coped with being unwell, and kept your own positive attitude to life despite all the difficulties. I hope you find the balance you need, whatever it takes.
    Sending love and a big hug.
    Helen xox

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  23. Dear Hannahpat - that's alot on one big plate, up there. LOVE this post - love that I have you as a blogging friend. There ARE no right answers, but it sounds as though you're on the right track...XOXOXOXOXO Tanya

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  24. Oh Sweetheart, I'm sorry I've not been around much, I know how much support on here helps! I've been supporting a friend who's very ill at the moment and it's taken every ounce of energy I have, I admire your strength and you're commitment to you're recovery. So many of us with chronic illnesses just roll over and give up but we can't! We have children who need us! And as for balance, that's exactly what it's all about....balance. Do the creative as well as the meditation and yoga. My yoga practice has gone by the by just lately as I've just not had any strength. I really must look so very easy yoga, there must be some somewhere on you tube! Take care my dear :) xxx

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